I can't remember

I can't remember your phone number or how many times I called you in the middle of the night. I can't remember how many tears your shirt soaked up or how many times you told me it would all end up okay but I do remember thinking how lucky I was to have you there for me anytime I needed you.

I can't remember how many hours we spent in your car or how many days I watched you working in your garage. I can't remember any of the things you tried to explain to me or what most of those parts were called but I do remember falling in love with you and your passion.

I remember how beautiful you make me feel, even if I can't remember how many times you told me or all of the times you said you wanted me.

I can’t remember the names of all the girls who came before me but I remember hearing about them and laughing that they missed out on you. I remember thinking all of them were idiots and wondering why you ever thought they were worth your time. I also remember realizing that was the first time I was ever jealous.

I can’t remember exactly why I thought I could ever live without you, or how I ever wanted you to leave. I can’t remember why I cared what other people were thinking and saying about us and I don’t even remember what they were saying anymore. But I do remember the day I decided that I wanted you for eternity.
I can’t remember a lot of the details of how it happened, but I remember that I love you.

Notes to the boys

 Good Sir,
I hope I rot in hell because you seemed to always think that was where you were going, and eternity would be awfully boring with out you my dear.
-To be continued. . .


To my favorite atheist:
I really can't imagine breaking enough hearts to hold you for longer than a few seconds but I can't imagine life without your arms around me. I know I made us awkward but please don't let us change. -Love, Joy, Hitler.

Dear Elder,
I hope you never have to know that I kissed him. Or that I lied about not liking you before you liked me. And I hope you always think I am pretty, even when I cry, because it is the only reason I still like myself.
-Yours forever.


"Tell Me Again":
I thought maybe things would be different, that you really would care about me if I tried to help you. I know you aren't going to ever change now though, and still I can't bring myself to hate you enough to do what I should.
-Sincerely, "I love you, I'm sorry."

For the bad boy,
Thanks for playing the question game with me. I'm glad you cut your hair, you look much more presentable now. Can we forget that I danced like a skank with you at Spring Fling last year?
-Goodnight, and good morning babe.

Papa:
I worry sometimes that I have no friends because you are the only person in the world who texts me first, then I remember I am just lucky that my best friend is my dad.
-Be good, and if you can't don't get caught.

Scum of the earth,
I don't know why you still smile and wave at me. We are not friends. I only wave back out of habit.
-And that is a wrap.

Can we run away?

Some times I wish I could just disappear. I wish that I could drop everything, stop caring about people and dishes and school and work and hide in a little house on the beach with flowers and sunshine. I wish I could just sit and write and read and get lost in words. That would be so nice. It would be easy and pleasant and lovely and good. Only I can't because I have to graduate. How gross.

Just throw them away

 

 

I sometimes can't figure out which piece 'b' is to attach it to piece 'a'. When the computer gives me steps to follow I generally get lost and directions on a road map were never my forte. I don't use recipes and I think that I could tell you the proper way to tie a tie.




I tie my shoes wrong according to my dad and I still can't fold a fitted sheet nicely. I know they did teach me how to make a capital E in cursive and I could probably do that before I could parallel park. I knew every step to the quadratic equation once and I forgot the rules to name things in chemistry before that.

I didn't bother to read the operators manual when I got my phone and I stopped listening when they told me which fork to use first. I thought about double checking the rules for baseball and probably missed class the day the taught us ultimate Frisbee.

People keep telling me all of those rules will matter to me someday. That when I need to make a loaf of bread someday I'll want a recipe or that when my mother in-law stays the night years from now I will wish my sheets looked nicer but I never liked being told what to do and I don't think you need to do it the right way as long as you do it.

We aren't that different

"I have Irish blood." The women told her with pride, smiling at the thought of knowing who her 'kind of people' were but the baby just stared at her in confusion.

"What blood do we have, Dad?" She asked, not even sure what that meant.

Dad looked down at her for a long minute, seeming to be contemplating the universe, not a question of heritage.

"The red and white celled kind baby girl." he finally nodded.

Things You Don't Know About Me

1. I am only quiet at school because I like to hear what you have to say. It has nothing to do with being shy, I just want to listen to you.
2. I think 'living deliberately' was Thoreau's excuse to run away from his life and don't like him for it. Maybe he just wanted to go write in the woods, but there are things that need to be done so get your butt off that mountain and get to work.
3. I cried in that dumb whale movie, Big Miracle. It isn't fair that the baby whale died. That shouldn't ever happen. That song, only the good die young, is rude too. Only the unfortunate know the good if it is true.
4. I only fell for the boy in the first place because he taught me that love wasn't lonely but I love him a lot, and I am really lonely. I wish he was here to remind me that I'm not alone.
5. I mentioned in a post that I was mostly just afraid of ants and everyone who read that thought I was kidding probably but I wasn't. I really am more afraid of ants than most anything else in the world. The kind of paralyzing, make you hyperventilate, can't even think straight kind of fear and I have no good reason of why.
6. I am very paranoid about kidnappers. I am scared on will be in the back seat of my car or hiding by the dumpster behind my work and so I have a lead ball on a 6 inch cord on my keys so I can hit them in the temple and run away and a big scary knife in the door of my car so I can stab them. I'm going to get a gun when I can. So don't try and scare me, especially in the dark, because I will try to kill you first and ask questions later.
7. I started my mission papers today and I am secretly really afraid that the boy won't wait for me when he gets home. Not because I don't think he loves me and wants to marry me, because no one could convince me other wise, but because he isn't very good at being alone and might just marry someone so he doesn't have to be.
8. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for ice cream. I really, really love it. and I love that a friend and I have gone to get some every time that we have ever hung out and with out talking about it switch of taking turns paying for it. I sometimes call him when I have no money and want ice cream. I think he has done the same though so I don't feel too bad about it.
9. I sometimes pretend to like people because I hate it when people don't like me. I would rather be your friend even though I didn't like you at all than not be friends and have you dislike me. I think that makes me petty and rude but I don't think I will ever change.
10. I am so done with high school I almost don't even care about my blog any more and that makes me sad because writing is one of my favorite things in the world to do and I love my blog. I need to get over seniorits before it kills my soul. Also, it is ruining my GPA, but that was a lost cause any way.

What he said

Mike said (11/6/2011 at 1:26 AM):

You helped me tap into the deeper parts of my soul and brought my interests back to writing and happiness back into my life. That is why you are one of my favorite people in the universe.


Mike said (12/28/2011 at 4:52 AM):

Sometimes you say things that make me blush so bad a blind man could tell.

Mike said (5/18/2012 at 10:18 PM):

You are being dumb by not taking better care of yourself and that last chapter was not your best. I don't think you were staying true to your characters and you should go change what Larain said when she found out.


Mike said (8/23/2012 at 3:26 AM):

I am drowning in my life. This is me sending off smoke signals for you, I'm ready to run away to Niagara Falls. Are you still willing to go with me?


Mike said (9/26/2012 at 4:02 PM):

Please don't cry. I know you love him, and I know he loves you because it is impossible to know you and not love you, and I know he is going to make you happy when he gets back. And if he doesn't I'll kill him myself and I will marry you instead. We can raise our kids on Star Trek and coconut shampoo.



 He was never the great love of my life or my best friend. He couldn't have been because he was too much to be either. He was a part of my soul. He was my better half. He was always just . . . him.

Then very last

Mike said (12/1/2012 at 12:44 AM):

Good night love. Sweet Dreams.
To Be Continued . . .






I gave him all of my secrets and all of my soul and all of my hopes and dreams and words. I gave him my tears and my nightmares and my laughter. I gave him my compassion and advice and my support. He gave me everything he could and I gave it all back to him. We competed and we fought. We teamed up and we stood together. And then he disappeared and left me to wonder what I did to not deserve a goodbye.