I don't want to lose him but it isn't fair to keep him

I once heard that if you find yourself in love with two people at once always chose the second, because if you really loved the first you wouldn't have found the other. The only problem is that I don't know who came first and it wouldn't matter anyway.


I already gave my whole heart away, put it in a box with a bow on it and sent it to him to keep while we are apart and I don't want to spend my life with out him by my side, so how did I end up in someone else's arms not able to pull myself away?

I don't want to fall asleep because I don't know if my dreams will bring me the dark hair and eyes I miss so much showing me how to make everything better or blond haired blue eyed beauty begging me to help him find a way past all his demons and it scares me that I don't know which I am hoping for.

I don't know how it happened because they are opposites in every way but I have found myself in love with the both of them and it kills me that I know I am going to break one heart and even as I tell him I love him, I know which heart it is going to be and I don't want to do it.

I'm ready now

He asked me to write something real and I stared at the cursor blinking for longer than my eyes wanted to focus wondering because I have lied to so many people and told so many people the truth only to have it turn into something terrible that I wasn't sure what to say.

But I realised something tonight. I realised that all those people who I thought were the beginning and end of my world don't matter.

I realised that I have one follower and she doesn't know that we knew each other in real life before I moved and we weren't friends any more when we had a class together this year and I realised that when I said, "see you never" at graduation, I meant it.

I realised that the boy with all of that thick dark hair and deep blue eyes, the one who said all those pretty things to make me stay would miss all our shared history and only see a pretty girl to whistle at when we passed each other in the park and the girl who I hated so much never really liked me either so it is okay.

I realised that I'm going to get married and my mother won't always have the chance to throw me down every day and I won't marry the boy who told me I deserve better but I'll love him forever anyway because he is a great person and deserves better than me.

I realised that the boys who never looked twice and the boys I wish would have left me alone before making me think I loved them and the boys I never gave a chance to are in the past now. And those girls who I hated instantly because they were prettier and the girl who was my best friend all though jr. high and the girls who were my friends in high school even if we never hung out are in the past with them.

I realised not a single one of you matters enough to change what is real. And I realised that all of you mattered so much that you are what made everything real in the first place. You are the reason I am who I am and you are the reason I know what I know.

None of you are ever going to see it but I picked up the pieces of yourself that you dropped on my doorstep as you were leaving and put them all together trying to make a story that I could call mine and they are what make every real part of me. So see you never. and thanks for the parting gifts.