Things I am Missing: A List of 10 Things I Wish I Still Had

1. The spray painted walls of my old bedroom.
2. The friendship of someone whose birthday I forgot last week.
3. A first period to skip.
4. The bottom half of my right lung.
5. My gaul bladder.
6. The chance to tell the good sir how important his feedback was.
7. Being able to see the ocean for the first time.
8. A car that could drive to the ocean at any minute.
9. My favorite atheist.
10. The innocence of not knowing what it feels like to miss a part of yourself.

 “Anyway, it doesn't matter how much, how often, or how closely you keep an eye on things because you can't control it. Sometimes things and people just go. Just like that.”  - Cecelia Ahern

I want to be what you want

I didn't expect him to be what he was. He showed up as quickly as a summer rain storm and soaked every inch of my life in his love. And now trying to forget that I love him seems as pointless as trying to pour the rain back into the clouds once it starts falling down. My kisses are pulled towards him like lightning, attracted to him as he stands there, tall and alone in the middle of his world and every time we touch it is thunder in my ears.

But I have spent so much time writing about him that I think I forgot, he isn't a metaphor.

He isn't a metaphor or a simile, a hyperbole or a cliche. He isn't a diagram or a chart or an outline. And he sure as hell isn't a pretty poem that I can write and be done with.

He isn't the thunder or the rain, he is a boy who, despite everything, I love.

He is a boy who says I know him better than anyone alive, who is my longest standing friendship (if you discount the girl who barely knows me any more), and I can't ever see him again.

A few months ago, I said I couldn't imagine life with out him and now here I am, having broken more hearts than I thought I would when I started. I didn't think he would break my heart, but every word he said about long term, and more, and love, broke my hear into smaller and smaller pieces because I knew I couldn't give that to him no matter how badly I wanted.

I couldn't be the girl he needs me to be for him, and so I wanted him to not want me. I tried telling him how all I wanted was for him to give me what I wanted for six months and then pretend it never happened and let me marry someone else.I told him he should just be okay with me using him, because I was selfish and that was all I could give him. I said over and over,

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I can't be what you want.

I told him and told him, not sure if I wanted him to be what I wanted or if I just wanted him to hate me as much as I hated myself for it. It would make it so much easier to leave, knowing I wasn't coming back if I could just make him hate me.

It wasn't working though, he was so damn determined to keep loving me, until he wasn't. 

I won't be what you want.

And he finally believed me, finally gave up and accepted that I was no good for him. And I realized no matter how bad I was for him, I wanted to be everything he wanted me to be.  It was too late though, he realized I was right and pulled his hand out of mine and I think he knew when we said goodbye we weren't going to see each other again. And I don't think I have ever felt lonelier than I did in the second he pulled his hand away.

He pulled away and took the boy I love and he took all the rain, thunder, lightning, all the cliche and metaphor, all the cute rhymes and half finished lyrics, and left me to realized that he was all of that and more that I never even realized. And I am just a silly girl who can only write after midnight when I realize that him leaving was why I have those stupid nightmares and I can't ever be what he wanted.