This is why we can't have nice things

The Problem? I'm laying in your bed right now.

The Solution? I should probably go, it is getting late.

The Problem? I don't want to go.

The Solution? I'm so glad you love her so much.

The Problem? The solution should have been that I love him so much.

My braces lasted longer than my remission

One

Every night I climb into bed only to remember what I forgot and it gets harder to get back up every time because somewhere along the way a ladder became more frightening than the jump.

      Two

My mom was never good at family math. One perfect child plus one broken mind equals good parenting but once it was one who was strong enough not to go there and once who was strong enough to come back it equaled her failure. And I remember in fifth grade they said a remainder wasn't how to do things, go all the way and use your fractions, but she is stuck with a remainder two she forgot about a long time ago.

                               Three
I'll finish this cup of tea in a few hours. It will be cold and stale by then but that is kind of how reading those emails feels in my stomach and I'm trying to get used to it. I know it would be easy enough to go down stairs and warm it up but the microwave can't fix everything.

F

   o

        u

           r

I always loved the feeling of 

 f              s                  f

   a                p                l

      l                   i               y

         l                    r              i

             i                      l            n

                n                      i            g

                   g                      n   

                                                g

five. in ninth grade english they taught me about full circle endings. and i loved them. my braces went on the day I first saw that scale say 99. maybe i'll get them off at the same weight.

                            

                                                                                            Six

THERE HASN'T BEEN ENOUGH TO LIE ABOUT LATELY.

                                                                                                            Seven.

Every morning I wake up and make enough cookies for everyone who needs them that day. I make dinner for six. I feed the baby at least 15 ounces. Cinnamon rolls are always my solution. I never saw the connection between my pork chops and the starving children in Africa,they couldn't have them if I ate them.

Eight

I some times feel like a my grandmother's chandelier. Something beautiful and sparkly and wanted. Like only the best would have me because I was worth everything. But also, more that I am just something beautiful to be looked at. I am the result of work and measuring and precise arranging, something that was put together just right, so that dust could collect on my bones.

This is me

Like it or not this is who I am.


This is my body. It has been broken down for someone else's definition of beauty and I never did get it back together quite right but even my elbows are soft and my hands know how to work.

This is my hair. It has been damaged and dyed so many times that only God knows how it started and even he forgot what it has been between then and no. If you asked him though, I am sure he would tell you that it has been one hundred shades of e.

This is my greatest hight and at 5' 4" being average was always something I resented, until I was the perfect size to fit him.

These are my eyes. They change color with the winds and are just good enough to brag about but they wish on every single star just to turn around and pray most those wishes don't come true.

And these feet? They are different sizes and their toes are too long to look normal but I they walk where I point them so I won't complain.

This is me.
Like it or not.
Take it or leave it.
THIS IS ME AND I AM DONE TAKING REQUESTS.

Even the best drugs are bad for you.

Running away had always been my favorite escape. It is simple enough. Grab a change of clothes and your computer and get out of dodge.

Break your mother's heart if she bothers to notice and make sure your sisters have just enough spaghetti in the fridge that they won't care either way for at least a week. And don't do the laundry before hand.

Just get in the car and go. Start going south because the I-15 goes father that way but don't stop in St. George or Vegas because those are both too close to home.

 Follow the interstate divider for as long as it takes to decide if it is there as a temptress or as a compassionate friend, if you should run into it's embrace at full speed or go along next to it as long as you can.

Keep going until you are sure if those lines are really just a reminder of where to go or if they look like those pills for a reason.

Continue through the desert until you can decide if it is empty because you are the only one who understands it and it is saving itself for you or if it is just a wasteland like your father said.

Keep going until you run out of road. Then and only then is it safe to stop.

Drive to the very edge of the land, where the water is there reaching out to wash everything away, and park there.

Breath in the salt and rest assured that this is the one case where breathing something in and getting high off the feel of it in your lungs is good for you. Drink the sea until you are drunk and use that buzz to get you home safely.

You won't know what is up or down but it will all feel good. The ocean is your drug and it will keep you on top of the world.

At least until you've followed a path of pills back home, through the cold desert and past that long sturdy wall, and you remember that real life doesn't go away when you do and you can never remember what being high feels like once you come down.