Honest would frighten you

You told me that of course Santa was real, and that there was no such thing as monsters. And when I learned, I asked you why you lied?  I told you those lies because honest ones would frighten you darling.

She told me that I was still her best friend, even if we were far apart, only when I went out there I met that stranger filling my role. I told you that you had that role because the honest one would frighten you, sweet heart.

He told me that he was never leaving, he would be the first one to stay with me my whole life. I never got to ask him why he told me that, knowing it wasn't true, because he disappeared without a word, but I never questioned it. He told me because, you never would have trusted my promises if I didn't, the honest ones would have frightened you a way m'lady.

It wasn't ever as important as I made it out to seem, I wasn't as afraid as I probably should have been and when I took my medicine on time it hardly even hurt but when you wanted to badly to help me get better I let you think you were. It wasn't that I needed you but I gave you a new level of importance when your honest one would frighten you daddy.

All those lies we tell, all the hurt we cause, all of the mistrust and none of it makes any sense except for that we think the honest ones would hurt too bad for us to face and we are all afraid to be hurt.

If we let it, the fire will burn us all to the ground

He has pretty blue eyes, she said to me, if nothing else he has those eyes. And I couldn't see how she thought that. His pretty blue eyes and thick dark hair were just the start of his infinite perfection. Just the start of his beauty. He was brilliant, dark and mysterious, with a full past, and a bright future. He had everything, and pretty blue eyes to top it all off.

I was quiet and new and didn't know how to be quiet and new. He told me it was okay, I didn't have to make any more friends. He was there, he said, and he loved me, he said, so I don't need anyone else, he said. And I believed him because he was right so often he had to be right then too, even if I didn't deserve him.

He said it and I believed it. I believed it because what more could I ask for? I believed it because he cared so much, always calling; to see where I was, who I was with, what we were doing, why wasn't he invited? I believed it because he worried so much about me; why was I late, why didn't I answer the phone, why wasn't I at school? I believed it because he always wanted more of me; one more kiss, five more minutes, please don't go yet, tell me again that you love me, just a little farther.

 

Soon enough he realised we didn't deserve each other though, and that was when everything changed. I was always late, always flirting, always leaving before he wanted me to, never had the right answer, never wore the right clothes, never knew what he wanted, wouldn't give him everything he wanted even if I could. I never really loved him at all, did I?

 

I didn't understand him and how much he loved me, he said. I didn't love him or I would stay the night, he said. I didn't deserve to be loved like he loved me, he said. And I believed him. I believed him because he had so many demons, they poured out of his soul with every word he yelled. I believed him because he was burning, burning with so much love it left my check red as he reminded me that I was his. I believed him because he had pretty blue eyes and thick dark hair to cover all of his infinite perfection and all I had was my bruised soul and tear stained face to hide behind.



I stayed because he had so many demons, they poured out of his soul with every word he yelled, and he said he loved me for taking them from him. I stayed because he was burning, burning with so much love it left my check red as he reminded me that I was his, and I didn't want his spark to go out.

Maybe there is a reason we are all alone

She sat in my car and asked me if I believed in soul mates, then went on to tell me about the someone she dreamed of for years. Someone was tall and skinny with nice dark hair and pretty blue eyes and she wanted to marry Someone. She told me Someone was all she ever wanted and she was so afraid that she would never find Someone. She slept with a blond stranger that night though and I couldn't help but wonder if Someone would want her if they found each other.

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He told me that he believed there was a Someone out there for him, that it was just a matter of time. He was sure if he just kept looking for Someone that they would find each other when the time was right. Someone would be loyal and he would take care of Someone forever. I never understood how he thought he would find Someone if he kept going back to him ex-girlfriend, when he knew she wasn't Someone.

Every time she broke up with the next boy in line, she would come crying to me that she would pick Someone who would treat her better next time. Someone wouldn't play on her insecurities and Someone would understand her. Someone would be better for her. She would be happy with someone, if she would stop picking the type of boy that she knew was no good for her.

We all talk about our ideal Someone and say that they will come in and fix everything but I can't help but wonder why Someone would want to be with any of us. Someone is so perfect. Someone would never lie or cheat or leave, so why would Someone want to be with us when we do all of those things. Someone is better off staying nameless and far away. Maybe Someone decided that we didn't deserve to have anything more than the idea of Someone.

I was never good at mario kart

My car makes really good race car noises and it reminds me of animated raceways where hitting things was perfectly acceptable. It was encouraged in fact, hit the box, hit the mushrooms, hit the other people to slow them down.

Sometimes I pretend that it is okay and assign points to different things.

Gingers are 100, with no moral ramifications.

The blond, tan, barbie who has 60 clones who go to our school? 5 points.

300 for Asians, 500 for the black kid, 700 for the foreign exchange student. The less common the better.

Wheel chair, hobos, and street performers are all 1000 points unless you are in Nashville (they aren't as rare there.)

You get an extra life if you hit that girl you hate and lose one if your wheels find someone you like.

1500 if you hit someone who is deaf or blind.

I'm probably going to hell.

Don't be afraid of the dark, there is nothing there.

I'm not sure of anything anymore. Down is up and up is down and did it ever really matter which way is which? I don't know where I was heading anyway.



I don't know where I am but who cares? I'm going somewhere but somewhere is everywhere and anywhere and doesn't have a name, so how am I to know I got there if I get there?

He is she and she is me and we are us but us never existed even though I tried so hard. I tried so hard to get good enough for an us. You didn't know but it is true. It was true.



If the truth changes and now it is a lie was it ever really true? Or is everything a lie? Maybe Plato was on to something and none of this is real unless we think it is.

Maybe nothing is real and everything is a lie and if so, why do we keep trying? Why do we bother saying I love you or don't cry. Because love isn't real and neither are those tears so go ahead, hate everything and cry your pretend tears. Nothing matters.



We are all lost in this infinite nothing, going nowhere and feeling everything there is to feel. And for what?



None of it is real anyway.

I didn't think we would find our way here

The dictionary would tell you that space and distance are very much similar but I can't see it that way. Space and distance are two different things entirely. How else could you explain feeling so close and so far at the same time?

It is 12.2 miles from my house to yours. It takes me 17 minutes when I hit all of the red lights. Which we both know I always do. Add an extra minute to park my car and walk inside. It would take longer if I knocked. The distance between us is a lot more than that though. I don't think you know why I'm mad and I don't want to say sorry for what I said. And with every passing second the distance we are keeping in our space is growing.

2,115 miles and a stop at the border is a lot of space between us, but I don't feel it most days. Your heart is in mine and mine is in yours and the distance between us is nonexistent. There is no way to get closer to you. Maybe that is why we never had sex, because we didn't didn't have enough distance to feel like we needed to get rid of all the space between us.

 17.8 feet is all the space that we've put between us but even when I drove 669 miles I couldn't make the space greater than the distance. Years of me not being good enough and you not being there enough and neither of us loving each other enough have made the distance too big to cross. And you don't even know how sad that makes me.

Distance was a funny thing with you from the moment we met. You were already in my head by the time I knew your name and we some how kept getting closer every day. So maybe the 1,678 miles, different high schools and busy schedules were something we needed. At any rate, it is good to know that even when the space is great you can still read my mind.

 I can't get any space between me and the thoughts that haunt me, they are always right there with me, climbing over everything else in my brain to get to the top but every day the distance between them and me is increasing. Everyday I run a little faster and lose who I was around another corner and the distance dividing her and me grows.

So don't try and tell me space is the same as distance, because if it were I would be too far to feel his love and who I was would be too close to who I am and nothing would be how it is.